Men’s Health ~ 500+ Best Dad Jokes That Are Really Funny

August 11, 2023 Odiraa

Men’s Health ~ 500+ Best Dad Jokes That Are Really Funny 2023

Guaranteed Hilarious Dad Jokes for Kids to Make the Whole Family Chuckle

Are Dad jokes healthy? Inarguably.

Recent research has found that a decent dosage of comedy, no matter how groan-worthy, can reduce your risk of cardiovascular disease, good for mens health, enhance your body’s ability to fight pain and avoid disease, and even help you live longer.

Something about becoming a father instills an instinctive capacity to tell dad jokes. Dads’ goofy jokes and puns seem never-ending but in the greatest way. We may roll our eyes, but we know they’re said with love. And sometimes they’re just plain cunning.

Table of Contents

Best Dad Jokes

There’s something special about dad jokes – they’re their own unique type of humor. Nothing beats a good dad joke when it comes to the funniest jokes for kids.

What distinguishes a joke from a dad joke? Dad joke meaning

When a father becomes a father, his sense of humor emerges. Before he knows it, he’ll be throwing pun-laden one-liners like his father, and his father’s father, and he might even inherit some mom jokes. (Does your granny find it amusing? That’s usually the most telling sign.)

Even though we cringe at dad jokes, we secretly adore these fatherly zingers that are so awful they’re good and possibly even amazing. (If you must, deny it, guys always Google “funny dad jokes.”)

In honor of joke-telling dads everywhere, we present the best of the finest corny dad jokes and puns, whether you’re looking for a few new one-liners to add to your own repertoire, a good giggle, or a decent Father’s Day caption or dad quote to commemorate your hilarious parents.

Prepare to roll your eyes, because we’re coming in hot.

Here are 600+ of our greatest dad jokes, divided into several diverse categories for each dad-amusing circumstance, ranging from dad jokes for adults and kids of all ages to classic corny puns.

Today, make your father laugh.

Punny Dad Jokes of the Day ~ Funny dad jokes for all ages

Did you hear about the fire at the shoe factory? Unfortunately, many soles were lost.
What do you call a pig who knows how to use a knife? A pork chop.
What kind of fish knows how to do an appendectomy? A Sturgeon.
How do you hire a horse? Put up a ladder.
Why did the pony ask for a glass of water? Because it was a little horse.
Is there anything worse than when it’s raining cats and dogs? Yes, hailing taxis.
How many apples can you grow on a tree? All of them.
My manager told me to have a good day. So I didn’t go into work.
What do kids play when they have nothing else to do? Bored games.
What did the boy say to his fingers? I’m counting on you.
What kind of music do elves listen to? Wrap music.
What does cake and baseball have in common? They both need a batter.
When does Friday come before Thursday? In the dictionary.
What did the tree say when spring finally arrived? What a re-leaf.
How can you tell if a pig is hot? It’s bacon.
Did you hear about the guy who is afraid of hurdles? He got over it.
Why did the drum go to bed? It was beat.
What do you call a rude cow? Beef jerky.
Have you ever had a bad sausage? It’s the wurst.
Did you hear about the guy who drank invisible ink? He’s at the hospital waiting to be seen.
How do you get a squirrel’s attention? Act like a nut.
Did you hear about the cat that ate a lemon? Now it’s a sour puss.
What did one volcano say to the other? I lava you.
Why did the computer catch cold? It left a window open.
How do mice floss their teeth? With string cheese.
How do you cook an alligator? With a croc-pot.
What did the earthquake say when it was done? Sorry, my fault!
Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents!
How do you catch a squirrel? Climb a tree and act like a nut!
Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint!
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.

Good Dad Jokes

Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They might crack up!
What did the big flower say to the little flower? “Hi, bud!”
I went to buy some camouflage pants, but I couldn’t find any.
What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
I used to have a job at a calendar factory, but I got fired because I took a couple of days off.
What do you call a snowman with a six-pack? An abdominal snowman!
Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts!
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere!
What did one wall say to the other wall? I’ll meet you at the corner!
Why did the math book look sad? Because it had too many problems!
What did one hat say to the other hat? You stay here, I’ll go on ahead!
Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged!
I was going to tell you a joke about time travel, but you didn’t like it.
I used to be a baker, but I couldn’t make enough dough.
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
I’m writing a book about glue, but I’m stuck on the first chapter.
What did one plate whisper to the other plate? Dinner is on me.
Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one.
Two sheep walk into a—baaaa.
Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter.
Try the seafood diet—you see food, then you eat it.
Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to go spreading it!
What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1
What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota.
What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business.
If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?
I have a clean conscious—it’s never been used.
I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.
Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can’t jump.
Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.
What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!
How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner.
What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. All the others are weekdays.
What did the seal with one fin say to the shark? If seal is broken, do not consume.
How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it.
How do you measure the mass of an influencer’s following? By Instagrams!
Why did the computer go to bed? It needed to crash.
What do you give the dentist of the year? A little plaque.
What should you do to prevent dry skin? Use a towel.
How can you tell when a comic passes gas? Something smells funny.
What kind of bug can tell time? A clock-roach.
What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener.
What do pigs use to clean up? Hogwash.
What’s a pirate’s favorite letter? You’d think it’s the “R,” but it’s really the “C.”
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. Summer wasn’t too bad either.
When is a door not a door? When it’s ajar.
What’s a zebra? A couple sizes bigger than an A.
Did you hear about the bossy man at the bar? He ordered everyone around.
Did you hear about the broken guitar for sale? It comes with no strings attached.
I wanted to take a bath, but decided to leave it where it is.
Once I read a book about glue. I couldn’t put it down.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Why the long face?”
Why’d the roofer go to the doctor? He had shingles.
Did you hear about the woman who couldn’t stop collecting magazines? She had issues.

Best Bad Dad Jokes

Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning.
How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.
Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed.
How does a hurricane see? With one eye.
Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank.
What’s a tornado’s favorite game? Twister!
How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.
What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious.
What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.
What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can’t talk!
What rock group has four men who don’t sing? Mount Rushmore.
My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese.
“Did you get your haircut?” No, I got them all cut.
I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.
Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It’s tearable.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!
I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice.
I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around.
What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn’t a dad? A faux pa.
I could tell a joke about pizza, but it’s a little cheesy.
If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?
I hate Velcro. It’s a rip off.
Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants.
I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust.
Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them.
“I’ll call you later.” Don’t call me later, call me Dad.
If the early bird gets the worm, I’ll sleep in until there’s pancakes.
The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.

Dumb Dad Jokes

What do you call it when Batman skips church? Christian Bale.
Did you hear about the man who fell into an upholstery machine? He’s fully recovered.
Why are skeletons so calm? Because nothing gets under their skin.
What’s the astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The spacebar.
What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just waved.
Did you hear about the power outlet who got into a fight with a power cord? He thought he could socket to him.
Why are elevator jokes so good? They work on so many levels.
Why did the nurse need a red pen? In case she needed to draw blood.
Do you know the story about the chicken that crossed the border? Me neither, I couldn’t follow it.
How can a leopard change his spots? By moving.
Don’t trust atoms. They make up everything!
What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar.
I’m afraid of the calendar. Its days are numbered.
Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.
My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.
What did the zero say to the eight? That belt looks good on you.
I got carded at a liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out. The cashier said never mind.
How do trees get online? They just log on.
How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.
Air used to be free at the gas station. Now it’s $1.50. You know why? Inflation.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime.

Sick Dad Jokes

My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care.
Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.
I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down.
What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor.
I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard.
They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important.
The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family.
Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? “Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”
If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you’re a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called.
I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once.
My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic.
In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective.
A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, “I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.” The patient asks him, “Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?” The doctor calmly looks at him and says, “Nine.”
I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys.
What do you call bears with no ears? B.
What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer.
A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can’t cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”
I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic…It’s called the Plaguestation 5.
When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.
A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, “What do you want?” The man says, “Oh, just some fruit punch.” The bartender sighs and shakes his head, “If you want punch, you’re gonna have to wait in line.” The man looks around, but there is no punchline.
What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm.
I just got my doctor’s test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor.

Funniest Corny Dad Jokes

What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.

What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.
What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.
What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.
Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.
Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.
What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner’s on me.
Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.
What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.
What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.
What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.
Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.
What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.
Why can’t the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.
What do you call a cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese!
How do celebrities keep cool? They have many fans.
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!
Why did the boy bring a ladder on the bus? He wanted to go to high school.
Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? Just in case he got a hole in one.
Why did the cowboy adopt a wiener dog? He wanted to get a long little doggie.
How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut.
What’s more unbelievable than a talking dog? A spelling bee.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a happy cowboy? A jolly rancher.
Why shouldn’t you trust trees? They seem shady.
How do you fix a broken tomato? With tomato paste.
What kind of music scares balloons? Pop music.
Why did the orange stop halfway across the road? It ran out of juice.
Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? It lost its filling.
How do you get an astronaut’s baby to stop crying? You rocket.
What do dogs and phones have in common? Both have collar ID.
Why shouldn’t you play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.
What sounds like a sneeze and is made of leather? A shoe.
How do you stop a bull from charging? You cancel its credit card.
Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems.
Why are fish so smart? Because they swim in schools.
Why did the employee get fired from the keyboard factory? He wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
Did you hear about the man who cut off his left leg? He’s all right now.
Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space.
What kind of music should you listen to while fishing? Something catchy!
What do you call a girl in the middle of a tennis court? Annette.
What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing. It just waved.
What did one wall say to the other? I’ll meet you at the corner.
Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on.

‘Groaner’ Dad Jokes

Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.
I don’t trust stairs. They’re always up to something.
People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece.
Why’d the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He’s an excellent parallel Parker.
Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.
What’s a lawyer’s favorite drink? Subpoena colada.
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI.
What do you call a wizard who’s really bad at football? Fumbledore.
How do nonbinary people hurt each other? They slash them. (They/them)
I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.
What’s blue and not very heavy? Light blue.
I don’t get why bakers aren’t wealthier. They make so much dough.
I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s.
How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.
How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane.
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.
Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line.
My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I’m feeling cannelloni right now.
What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar.
I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So we stopped playing chess.
I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody.
Why didn’t the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood.
Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
I can’t take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.
Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said “parking fine.”
I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows.
I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table.
“Cop: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia.” Man: “Wait! I can explain everything!”
My friend couldn’t afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a “Get Well Soon” card.
I’m Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me.
Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021.
Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face?
This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough.
I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help.
In 2017 I didn’t do a marathon. I didn’t do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke.
Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory.
Ever since we started quarantining, I’ve only been telling inside jokes.
If you’re feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It’ll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.
My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill. “Sure,” I said. “My door is always open.”
I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. “No,” I said. “It’s to look at.”
What has five toes and isn’t your foot? My foot.
My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don’t believe him, but that’s his story and he’s sticking to it.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime.
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear.
A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright.
I’m reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it.
Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time
During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them.
Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I’m just asking for a friend.
Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.
When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body.
“Just say NO to drugs!” Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes.
I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”
What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso.
What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let’s get together and make a spectacle of ourselves.
How come the Hulk doesn’t lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans.
I didn’t want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there.
I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn’t come with a driver. I can’t believe I have nothing to chauffer it.
What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels.
I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it.
Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked “Bohemian Rhapsody.”

Pun-based dad jokes

Did you hear about the cold dinner? It was chili.
Why did the deer go to the dentist? It had buck teeth.
Why can’t you trust a balloon? It’s full of hot air.
A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!
Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll.
Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because it wasn’t peeling well.
Where does a sheep go to get a haircut? The baa baa shop.
What did the mama cow say to the baby cow? It’s pasture bed time.
Why should you never use a dull pencil? Because it’s pointless.
Why did the cookie go to the doctor? It was feeling crumby.
Where did the cat go after losing its tail? The retail store.
Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up.
What kind of sandals do frogs wear? Open-toad.
What do you call a herd of sheep falling down a hill? A lambslide.
How do you organize a space party? You planet.
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.
What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spec-tater.
What do you call a moose with no name? Anonymoose.
Why did the ram run over the cliff? He didn’t see the ewe turn.
Why did the picture go to jail? He was framed.
What is a calendar’s favorite food? Dates.
Why was the football stadium cold? There were too many fans.
Why do bananas wear sunscreen? Because they peel.
Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honey combs.
Why did the watch go on vacation? To unwind.
How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.
Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
Why did the computer get glasses? To improve its website.
What did the blanket say to the bed? I’ve got you covered.
What did the roof say to the shingle? The first one’s on the house.
What do you call birds that stick together? Velcrows
Why did the duck fall on the sidewalk? He tripped on a quack.
How do birds learn to fly? They wing it.
Did you hear about the walnut and cashew that threw a party? It was nuts.
Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road.
What kind of bird works on a construction site? A crane.
What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I’m coming down with something.
What did the hamburger name its baby? Patty.
What type of music do the planets enjoy? Neptunes.
Why did the phone wear glasses? Because it lost all its contacts.
Why do bakers work so hard? Because they knead dough.
Why are fish so easy to weigh? Because they have their own set of scales.
What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father-in-law.
What do you give a scientist with bad breath? Experi-mints.
What did Benjamin Franklin say when he discovered electricity? Nothing. He was too shocked.
What do you call a medieval lamp? A knight light.
What did one hat say to the other? You go on ahead.
Why did the frog take the bus to work? His car got toad.
What does an evil hen lay? Deviled eggs.
How can you tell the difference between a dog and tree? By their bark.
Why do dragons sleep during the day? Because they like to fight knights.
Why did the scarecrow win an award? It was outstanding in its field.
Did you hear about the 12-inch dog? It was a foot long.
Why did the baseball player get arrested? He stole third base.
What did one piece of tape say to the other? Let’s stick together.

Unique dad jokes

If you spell the words “absolutely nothing” backward, you get “gnihton yletulosba,” which ironically means…absolutely nothing.
I had a joke about boxing, but I forgot the punchline.
The farmers lost all their crops and decided to try a career in music instead. They just had too many sick beets.
I once was addicted to soap, but I’m all clean now.
The saying goes, “An apple a day keeps the doctor away,” but they keep calling me for my annual checkup.
I’ll never trust atoms. They make up everything!
I have a really funny joke about trickle-down economics, but there’s no use in telling it because 99% of you will never get it.
I didn’t understand why the frisbee kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
I made a whopping six figures last year. I also was fired from the toy factory for being too slow.
A guy walked into a bar…then he was disqualified from the limbo contest.
I got an anonymous compliment about my parking skills today. It said, “Parking fine.”
The calendar’s days are numbered. I’ll start planning the funeral.
I shouldn’t have poured my root beer into a square glass. I hate beer!
I used to fill my tires for free, but now it costs a dollar. I guess that’s the inflation everyone’s talking about.
I’m such a morning person that I don’t even need an alarm clock. That and I drink a gallon of water before I go to bed.
What came first, the chicken or the egg? I just ordered both on Amazon, so I’ll let you know.
I’m the best at putting leaves in boiling water. It’s my special tea.
When I was younger, my parents told me I can be anyone I dreamed of becoming. Then I learned the hard way that identity theft is a crime.
Taylor Swift is immune to vampires. They know she has bad blood.
The bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he convinced her to give him one more shot.
Did you hear about the new corduroy pillowcases? They’re making headlines.
If the early bird catches the worm, call me a night owl because I prefer pancakes.
The waiter asked if I wanted a box for my leftovers, but I told him I’m not into fighting.
I accidentally took out my Blockbuster card at the bar. The bouncer said never mind.
In a job interview, they asked me if I can perform under pressure. I told them I don’t know the lyrics.
This guy was fired for always sweeping girls off their feet. He was a super-aggressive janitor.
When two vegetarians get in a fight, is it still called beef?
I heard that 5/4 of people are bad at fractions.
I’m always getting sick during the week. I think I have a weekend immune system.
Did you hear the joke about déjà vu? Did you hear the joke about déjà vu?

Best dad jokes for kids

What’s brown and sticky? A stick.

How does the rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator.
What do you call a shoe made out of a banana? A slipper.
How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.
Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the dock.
Can February March? No, but April May!
What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion.
Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to go spreading it!
Where do you learn to make ice cream? Sundae school.
What’s a scarecrow’s favorite fruit? Straw-berries
Where do burgers go dancing? At the meatball.
What time do ducks wake up? At the quack of dawn.
Why was the broom late? It over-swept.
What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.
Where do books hide when they’re afraid? Under their covers.
How do trees get on the internet? They log in.
What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat.
What did the calculator say to the pencil? You can count on me.
What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.
What do you call two ducks and a cow? Quackers and milk.
What do cows like to read? Cattle-logs.
How did the farmer fix his torn overalls? With a cabbage patch.
How much money does a skunk have? Just one scent.
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish? Swimming trunks.
What kind of cereal do leprechauns eat? Lucky Charms.
What do you call recently-married spiders? Newly-webs.
Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado.
What do you get when you cross a Smurf and a cow? Blue cheese.
What happens when ice cream gets angry? It has a meltdown.
What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train.
How do you get a mouse to smile? Say “cheese.”
Why couldn’t the bike stand up on its own? It was too tired.
What do you call a sheep that knows karate? A lamb chop.
Why did the snowman buy a bag of carrots? He wanted to pick his nose.
What did the Dalmatian say after dinner? That hit the spot.
How do you know when a bike is thinking? You can see its wheels turning.
What does a librarian use to go fishing? A bookworm.
What did one leaf say to the other? I’m falling for you.
Where’s the one place you should never take your dog? A flea market.
How does Darth Vader like his bagels? On the dark side.
What do you call spaghetti in disguise? An impasta.
Why did the tailor get fired? He wasn’t a good fit.
Where do elephants store luggage? In a trunk.

Best dad jokes for adults

Why do birds fly south? Because it’s too far to walk.
What do you call a fly with a sore throat? A hoarse fly.
Dogs can’t operate MRI machines — but cats-can.
If you see a robbery at an Apple store, does that make you an iWitness?
I had a date last night. It was perfect. Tomorrow, I’ll have a grape.
Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be just-water.
It was an emotional wedding — even the cake was in tiers.
Why did Waldo go to therapy? To find himself.
I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
Our vacuum cleaner is getting old. It’s just gathering dust.
Why did the thief take a shower before robbing the bank? He wanted to make a clean getaway.
Why did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog.
What do lawyers wear to work? Law suits.
Why was the traffic light late to work? It took too long to change.
Why do hamburgers go south for the winter? So they don’t freeze their buns.
Why didn’t the sun go to college? It already had a million degrees.
What do you call someone who can’t stick to a diet? A desserter.
Why did the little strawberry cry? His mom was in a jam.
Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack.
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
Why did the whale blush? It saw the ocean’s bottom.
Getting paid to sleep would be my dream job.
I used to be a banker, but I lost interest.
Why can’t you trust an atom? Because they make up everything.
I went to buy a pair of camouflage pants, but I couldn’t find any.
Why did the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.
I haven’t talked to my wife in a week — I didn’t want to interrupt her.
Why are pigs bad drivers? They hog the road.
I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!
Why did police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play.
What do computers eat for a snack? Microchips.
How do frogs invest their money? They use a stock croaker.
Did you hear about the whale that swallowed a clown? It felt funny after.
The past, present and future walked into a bar. It was tense.

One-liner dad jokes

I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.
At least I know I can always count on my fingers.
I just gave my too weak notice at the gym.
I bought Velcro sneakers, but they were a total rip-off!
My dentist appointment is at tooth hurt-y.
Apparently it was the fridge shrinking my clothes…not the dryer.
Goodbye boiling water, you will be mist.
All the fruits go on vacation in Pear-is.
The dry-erase board is the most remarkable invention.
I brought an egg to a comedy show and he cracked up.
It takes a lot of guts to be an organ donor.
That ghost was such a bad liar…I could see right through him!
The football coach went to the bank to get his quarterback.
Spiders are so smart, they know everything on the web.
I used to have a fear of speed bumps, but I’m slowly getting over it.
I had to get a neck brace last year and I haven’t looked back since.
That circus fire was in tents.
I don’t want to be friends with Dracula anymore, he’s such a pain in the neck!
It was easy to stop women from eating Tide Pods, but I couldn’t deter gents.
A joke becomes a dad joke once it is apparent.
I don’t know much about the best things in Switzerland, but their flag is a big plus.
That wedding was so emotional, even the cake was in tiers.
Everyone’s sharing the rumor about butter, but I’m not about to spread it.
I told a joke about chemistry, but it didn’t get a reaction.
I’m a big dreamer, so I always hit the snooze button.
I saw the Apple store get robbed…I guess that makes me an iWitness.
That car seems nice, but the muffler looks exhausted.
The ghost told me he’d bring the boos to the party tonight.
I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.
That vampire should see a doctor…he’s always coffin.